Stress: Is it real? And whose problem is it?
This is a love note in the form of a conversation.
What is stress? Does it even exist? And if it does, whose responsibility is it anyway?
Here’s a conversation I had with one of my clients about stress.
It’s such an interesting idea that I thought you might enjoy nerding out with us behind the scenes a little too.
It started with them forwarding this Instagram post and then we carried it over into email. With their permission, I’m excerpting that thread for you here:
Initial message:
What are your thoughts on this? I agree with her but I also think our thoughts can make the stressful situations so much worse.
My reply:
Stress is real. It's a biological reaction to help us survive challenging circumstances.
Here's the fun, meta, trippy part - it's true for all feelings but let's look at it as stress. We experience stress like an emotion but you can also think of it like a circumstance - when you're in an elevated stress state, your bio markers like cortisol, BP, glucose, adrenaline are also changed over your baseline. When we have thoughts about the feeling, that becomes its own model which amplifies, distorts, and can be like a vortex of an experience.
Circumstance: Stress response.
Possible Thoughts or Meaning about that Circumstance: This is stressful. This should be different. I shouldn't be stressed. I should be relaxed. I should have made different decisions.
How you might Feel: More stress, resentment, guilt
Likely Actions to take when you Feel that way: Spirals of stress, buffering, or avoiding
What is that ultimate Result? Worse stress.
Alternatively, we can also do the healthier options:
Intentional Thoughts: This is an opportunity to look at what I really want. I can reprioritize my work/day. I am going to slow down. I can delegate. XYZ is not important. ABC is not my responsibility. This is my boundary, how can I honor that?
Similar to pain - we have the physical neurological signals that we interpret as a sensation. And then we have thoughts about that pain - OMG, this is horrible, am I dying, is it a tumor, why is this happening to me, this shouldn't be happening to me, I'm too old/young, all of those varieties of human thought :) Those thoughts drive our experience of the circumstance of pain.
I think Dyer in that quote was saying that stress is not an external circumstance but it's how we internally process or perceive our circumstances that creates our experience. We know this b/c in any set of situations, people can have the same situation but have very different responses.
What do you think? Don't you just love thinking about this stuff!?
Their response:
I love thinking about this stuff too.
It almost seems like the post is implying that if you feel stressed it's your fault because of your stressful thinking and you should just change your thoughts and you won't feel stressed anymore.
I think what you said makes more sense. We feel stressed and then we have a choice whether or not we amplify it with our thoughts about the stressful situation.
Thanks :)
My reply:
Yes! And I should have added that it's an amazing asset when we DO feel stress. ZERO stress guilt (maybe that should be a new hashtag). Stress is a really keen, invaluable, critical function of our brains and biology that literally helps us survive. It keeps us alert and aroused when there are threats. It helps us maintain stamina when the pressure is on to keep our lives in balance and sustained. Thank God for stress!
The mindfulness tools are powerful pivots when that survival stress response is triggered and it's NOT a life / death situation. This is why it's so important to observe and understand what's going on in our thoughts. When we can be curious (and kind) as we try to understand the actual factual data of the circumstance, and observe our automatic interpretations of them which are driving that emotion. Every emotion is showing us something. Every single feeling reaction is there to teach us - it's up to us to decide what they mean.
And then, that's why it's SO worth the effort to build in intentional thoughts and beliefs. When we can see what there is to learn from our feelings, we can then choose how to respond in a way that serves our Big Results. Intentional Thoughts are our tools to keep our survival responses and resources ready for real emergencies - to keep our energy preserved for and focused on the work, effort, planning, and actions that will create the Results we actually want - Instead of spinning in inaccurate and exaggerated stress responses which ultimately deplete our resources, feel crappy, and distract us from actually getting what we really want.
This is so fun! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
----- [End scene] -----
Your turn! What do you think?
How do you think about stress?
Reply in the comments right here and let me know!
Recap
Stress is an invaluable, critical function of our brains and biology that literally helps us survive.
Like all emotions, stress is showing us something. Either it’s a true survival cue or it’s an opportunity for us to dial into those good intentional, mindful thoughts that will help us take control of the automatic stress cycle that can “hotwire” our behavior.
Either way, the experience of stress is a tool and there’s no guilt for feeling it. #zerostressguilt
P.S.
If you’re a leader or just love thinking about how our psychology and coaching can apply to your life and work, I invite you to apply to join me in a 6-month Leaders’ Coaching Mentorship. We will go deep into the science and the art of coaching so that you can learn how to more deeply connect with and guide those you lead and serve. And you’ll get coaching and support for yourself every step of the way too. Reply here and I’ll share more. Applications close April 30th and we get started June 1.
Connect with Tarah Directly
Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting.
No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally.
Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.
She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.
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