People Pleasing vs. Service
This is a love note in the form of an exercise.
Do you have people pleasing tendencies?
Then here’s what I know about you, if you’re like me and so many of my clients, you have a heart for service.
You want to help others and you love when you can see the impact of your words and deeds.
It can be kind of an addictive cycle to get that praise, the “Thank you,” the gold star, the A+.
It’s validation. It’s proof of your good work, that you’re good enough, that you matter.
This also means you have a habit of needing the praise, the thanks, the gold star, the grade in order to feel good enough and believe that you matter.
You may find yourself waiting on someone else to award you with proof of your significance and your value.
In your brain
Praise, awards, and rewards trigger the release of the feel-good neurotransmitter, dopamine.
This automatic reward is a positive reinforcement that helps us on a primal, automatic level know when we’ve done a behavior that garners us favor in our community - a survival asset from the very earliest days of humans and communities.
REMINDER: Your brain’s job is to keep you alive.
You’re hardwired to pursue dopamine releasing behaviors because they feel good so that we can continue our survival-supportive behaviors.
People pleasing versus service
In today, 2021, people pleasing does not hold the same survival-imperative that it has in eras gone by.
Let’s look at how this works in your thoughts.
Exercise 1
How do you know when you’ve pleased someone else? What’s the evidence?
Your answer probably included that others give you feedback, gratitude, or acknowledgement.
But people pleasing is a shell game.
*You can only ever know your own thoughts and experience your own feelings.*
Let me say it a different way:
You can NEVER know anyone else’s thoughts or experience their feelings. You will never even know for sure if they mean it.
Exercise 2
Think about the service and work you want to do in this world. Imagining that you won’t get any feedback or reward, how will you know you’ve done a great job?
It may help to think through the SMART criteria - what are the specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound evidence you’ll have?
You create your own value.
You are the ONLY one who decides if you’re doing a good job, serving well, making an impact.
It’s only ever your interpretation, your meaning, your thoughts that create your sense of self value.
Putting it into action
Personal Coaching
If you'd like some help in doing this, join me in the Level Up Membership. It's personal and group coaching to help you create and experience more value in your life and career and I'd love to have you join: tarahkeech.com/details
Coaching Mentorship
If you have a heart of service and are a leader or want to become a leader, and want to learn more coaching to equip your team and those you lead, I’d love to have you apply to join me in a six month intimate coaching mentorship program.
We start in June, and for six months, you’ll get guidance, training, and coaching on how to coach those that you lead plus coaching for yourself.
You’ll get trained in mastering the thought tools inside and out as well as practical experience in using the science of coaching in everyday situations. I’ll give you personal feedback and guidance on every step, every step of the way.
If you’re curious and want to learn more, email me here.
Recap
People pleasing means you need the praise, the thanks, the gold star, the grade in order to feel good enough and believe that you matter. You are waiting on someone else to award you with proof of your significance and your value.
But people pleasing is a shell game.
You can only ever know your own thoughts and experience your own feelings. You are the ONLY one who decides if you’re doing a good job, serving well, making an impact.
Connect with Tarah Directly
Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting.
No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally.
Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.
She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.
And to connect with Tarah directly, complete this form.
