Unshakable Thoughts
Hello! I wanted to share something with you guys that may impact the way that you think about your own thoughts. In the work that I do with my clients, when I work with you guys one-on-one, so often, because you have a human brain, there are thoughts that continually reappear that you can see coming, especially when we work together. You begin to detect these patterns and you keep seeing these thoughts, and then you keep believing those thoughts, even when you know they're no longer serving you. Sometimes those thoughts can even affect your decision making. I wanted to talk with you guys today about how to shift out of belief with these thoughts that seem like they're true, and that feel really hard to let go of.
Okay, first up, normalizing that your thoughts are working this way because your brain is doing a beautiful job. There is a concept in neurobiology called neural entrenchment. What this means is when you think a thought over and over again, what's happening in the physiology of your brain is that one neuron is firing to another neuron, or a system of neurons that's firing to a system of other neurons. That is how we learn; these brain connections form little trenches between those two connection points. That is how we know things. The more intensely we have an emotion, as we learn that thought, the deeper and wider that trench becomes. That means that that thought is easier to think. The other factor that helps your neural trenches get deeper and wider and easier to think is when you hear the same story, or you see evidence that supports that thought all the time and everywhere. Now your brain is wired to find proof of the thoughts. This is a bias that we all have. We want to be right. Your brain wants to prove that you're right. If you've ever tried to argue with someone you know was wrong, and they just couldn't let go of it, their brain wasn't doing a good job of protecting its integrity, proving itself right, or trying to.
So in your brain, if you've got a negative thought going on, maybe it is some story that you've been telling yourself for a long time. Maybe it's a story that you were told about yourself, about your role in the world, about what you're capable of or not capable of, what you deserve or don't deserve, what your work and your interests mean and matter, or what they don't. Now, it's these thoughts that are likely part of your story, part of your inner narrative. They happen so frequently, and you've probably been holding on to them for so long, that those neural pathways (the neural trenches), the entrenchment of those thoughts are like a superhighway, right? That pathway is super easy to take. It's a well-worn path. Your brain wants to keep thinking that. Now, inside my brain is your coach. In the coaching that we do, my job is to be a mirror for you, to show you when these thoughts come up. Sometimes, when I'm thinking about you planning for our session and thinking through your thought models, I wish that I could just flip a switch, or snap my fingers and wake you up out of that thought, or help you see another thought, but I can't. It has to come from you. It has to be something that you're willing to shift, relearn, and reconsider.
Now, I do want to encourage you that relearning is possible. Relearning is absolutely part of how you're wired. There's this other concept called neuroplasticity that means that your brain, that same gray matter that got entrenched in the first place, is capable of creating and learning new thoughts, new pathways, and new trenches. Now, this takes effort, an intense emotional experience, or reinforcement. What that means for you is: when you've got a thought that you know is no longer serving you, and it’s holding you back, it is your work to, firstly, observe the thought and not beat yourself up for it, right? That thought likely comes with an emotional response, or some sort of emotional cue. Maybe it's that you feel yourself pulling away from opportunities to have interactions with certain other people, on certain topics, or in certain ways. Maybe you are avoiding work, or people. Maybe you just feel really down, and you catch yourself in these thought loops. Those emotions are your flags to let you know that that thought is present.
Okay, so recognizing it and not feeling bad about feeling bad, but listening to what's underneath it first. Then it's your job to choose whether or not that thought serves you. And yes, choosing your thoughts is a thing once you have thoughts that occur at that liminal level, at that level where you're able to put words to it. I'm not talking about subconscious, okay? I'm not talking about long-buried thoughts. I'm talking about the thoughts that actually cross your mind. Those are thoughts you have options about, and you can choose if you want to reinforce that thought and believe it, or you can choose to be curious about it. In that curiosity, consider:
Is that serving you?
Is this thought something that you want to keep believing?
Is this thought something that you want to keep making true in your life?
If it's not, then it's time for the work of deciding what you want to believe instead.
Here are a couple of questions I encourage you to ask. This is loosely based in cognitive behavioral theory, but one of the greatest women and greatest thought leaders(in my belief) of our time is Byron Katie. She has a process called “the work,” and these are her questions:
Is this thought true? Can you 100% know that that thought is true?
Let's just say maybe the thought is, “I'm never going to be respected in this field/ in this relationship. I don't deserve respect. I'm not going to be respected. Nobody respects me.” All those flavors of thoughts are bullet points under that dominant thought. Is that thought true? Can you know it 100%? The answer is no. The reason that answer is no is because even if someone else has said that, it's still up to you to believe what they say. I'll give you this. How many times have you received a compliment, and you didn't believe it? A lot, right? You choosing to believe what someone else says is your option. It only rings true if you already believe that thought on some level. So, with the thought, “I don't deserve respect. I'm not respectable. I'm not worthy of respect.” Is that true? 100% unequivocally true? The answer is no. I mean, that's a spoiler alert, right? That's not a true thought.
The next question in Byron's work is:
Who would you be without that thought? Who would you be if you didn't have that thought, that neural automatic firing, that instant thought? If you chose not to believe that you were unworthy. Who would you be instead? What would be easier? What would come more naturally? What would not get in your way anymore? What would you feel more inclined to do now? Sometimes, once you get this clarity and answer these questions, it is easier to let go of those older thoughts. Sometimes, those thoughts are super sticky.
I want you to ask yourself:
How is you believing this thought keeping you safe? What is it protecting you from? Who would you be without that thought? Those answers that you just gave to Byron's question, who would you be without this thought? Being that person, on some level, likely feels new or uncertain, even unsafe to some degree. Now we get to really cleanly rational thought. Are you willing to take that risk? Is this a thought that you want to choose, or are you willing to be that person? To take that risk and step into the new, and the unknown of this identity that you could have without that thought? Is the risk worth it? I'm not here to say that it is or that it isn't. I want you to decide if it's worth it for you, if it's worth the investment, if it's worth the risk, and only you know that.
I’ve got to tell you, if you've made it this far into this blog post, there is a thought going on that does not feel good, and it's no longer serving you. I believe the discomfort you're feeling is your brain and your body letting you know that something's ready to shift. I believe that, if you get to this level of thought, it is part of your preparation to let go of those thoughts that are no longer serving you. It can be this simple. It's not always easy, but it can be this simple.
If you are ready for a change, if there is something in your life that you're ready to grow into, or let go of, that is exactly what I'm here to do; to support you as your coach. I would love to meet with you. Let's talk about what it would look like to work together and how I can support you: I can be your neutral soundboard, your mirror back, and help you design the future that you want to step into. Especially when it's hard, when that fear is there, that uncertainty is there, and it feels heavy. You are capable of this change, or it wouldn't have occurred to you. I would be honored to talk with you about how to make it real.
If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here:
Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com.
