Regretting Past Decisions

I am life and leadership coach Tarah Keech, and this blog and my podcast are where you get to see inside the brain of an executive coach and leader as I coach my crazy smart clients, and myself, through burnout recovery, growth, goals, life, love, and all of the in-between.

I'm curious, are you a DIY-er?  I like to think I'm a DIY-er. I grew up in a household where we were very hands-on. We renovated rooms and grew garden vegetables and always were able to create the things that we needed for our household. We weren't primitive or Homesteaders, as much as I romanticize that lifestyle.

I know that's intense, and a far cry from what we were, but I was brought up to learn how to wire sockets, and sheetrock, and do all sorts of things. So that's carried into my adulthood in a different way. I don't do those hands-on projects as much(hardly ever), but I do take it into my own hands to do other things.

So I love to make homemade bread. I love to make a lot of my jewelry, the beaded stuff. And I was thinking about this. I was looking at myself, checking myself in the reflection this morning on the drive in, and I was wearing some earrings that I bought at a store. 

I was like, “Oh, these are cute, but they're not quite right.” Or, “I wish I could do this to them and get rid of this little part of the design,” or playing in my mind with the changes that I would make, how I would do it myself if I could. I realized that short of doing it ourselves with a high level of skill, we're left with the options that we create, the options that we find.

I know this is a simple analogy, but think of the options that we find even when we're shopping. We're left to the options that we can scrounge up, that we can hunt and gather ourselves. 

Now, I was thinking about this because I've been toying with the idea of committing to doing a metalworking class next year. This is something I've always wanted to do. I think I'm really going to take it seriously in this coming calendar year. I don't ever do New Year's resolutions, but I do like to set intentions and imagine how the year is going to go. And that's one of the things on my list: learning metalsmithing.

I know that even when I learn it, it won't quite be the skill level that I need to create the designs that I have in my mind. The reason this stood out to me, and why I wanted to share it with you, is because so often we beat ourselves up. We take immense responsibility, and create so much shame and blame for our past selves and our decision making in those moments.

What's actually happened in those past moments is that you looked around with all the information that existed. If you can go back to that moment, that you, that version of you in the past, you made your decisions based on the information that was available, the thoughts that you had about that information, and how you were feeling.

It's not your accountability in every past moment of your entire life to have made the perfect decision, even the decision that you in today's moment makes. Your mind, as it's grown, as it's learned new information, you in this moment may have a tremendously different opinion from that past you. I want you to be aware if you're creating guilt or shame or blame or responsibility for those past decisions without remembering that you were basically shopping from what was available.

You did the best you could with what you had, and that's not necessarily a reason to blame or feel guilty. I want you to think about it this way. If there is a decision in your life that you wish you had made differently, I'm going to continue with a silly analogy. If there's something in your jewelry chest or in your wardrobe that you wish you hadn't bought, you're having buyer's remorse for these decisions.

You get to choose if you're going to keep them, or alter them, or let them go. Remember, it's these thoughts that hit at that level of awareness. It's these thoughts that cross your consciousness, that you can almost visualize or articulate that you do have an option about. You have options when it comes to those liminal and conscious thoughts.

You can make the choice to reinforce the thought, find evidence for it, choose to believe it. You can consider shifting that thought. And we've talked about how to do this. One of the ways you can do that is to really question, “is this thought true?” And it's not. Thoughts are always optional. If that thought is serving you, if you want to practice it and reinforce it, or if there's a different angle you can take on it, there's a different perspective or spin you can put on that same thought that might get you closer to where you want to be.

Like my jewelry here, if I could take off some of these little bits of these earrings, if I can learn metalsmithing good enough to take off the pieces that I don't necessarily love, will that serve me better?

You can do that with your thoughts too, or you can shift into a new belief. This does take effort, but it's totally possible. You are capable of creating new beliefs. Beliefs aren't some divinely appointed truth that shakes you. It may feel that way, and it's kind of like a high when it does.

It can be really hard to let go of those, but beliefs in their essence are really just thoughts that are still options. That's why so many people have so many different beliefs. It's because each human gets to choose what to believe and what not to believe. So, when it comes to circumstances in your life, when it comes to choices you've made in the past, how do you want to see those?

What of that decision do you want to make changes for? And what relationship, what blame and guilt or forgiveness and acceptance do you want to give to that past version of yourself? Now, if there is something that's coming up for you and that guilt or that regret, that shame is there, there's another way to look at this.

This is part of forgiveness work, which I'll talk about in one of next week's posts. Here are a couple of ways you can look at it:

-What have you learned from it? 

-Was it valuable? 

-Was it purposeful? 

-Were you doing it because you were working to create something on purpose with intention? 

-And finally, was it enjoyable?

Listen, I've made a lot of enjoyable choices that I would not make today. I’ve made a lot of really exploratory and brave decisions in my past that in this mind, in Tarah's mind today, I would not make again. That doesn't mean that I'm wrong for having made those choices.

 Let's say it's a relationship that you wish you could undo. In that moment, when you were in the relationship, you were doing it for reasons that were valuable, purposeful, and enjoyable. So I really want you to be kind to yourself today, especially as you're considering these past decisions. 

How do you want to view yourself now and yourself in the past? 

That's it for today, I'd love to know what you think. If some of this is bringing up thoughts that are lingering, or ways that you see past decisions, or patterns in your present day, and you're ready for that to shift, that can be a really great key to unlocking your potential in the future. To unlocking your path forward in a way that feels really aligned, purposeful, valuable, and enjoyable.

I'm here to help you do that. You can reach out to me at Tarah@TarahKeech.com. You've got all sorts of links to get in our one-on-ones. Let's have a discovery call. Let's figure out what your next best step is. Even if working together is not a fit, in this discovery call I will help you identify the things that are standing between you and where you want to be.

Book your discovery and enrollment consultation call here…

Or, I'm here and available by email to answer any of your questions. Please share with your friends if you can think of anyone that would value this. If you need anything at all, I'm just an email or a message away. I'll see you next week on the blog.