Forgiveness

I am life and leadership coach Tarah Keech, and this is the Coach Well Lead Well blog! This is where you get to see inside the brain of an executive coach and leader as I coach my crazy smart clients, and myself, through burnout recovery, growth, goals, life, love, and all of the in-between.

Hey there! I am about to ask you to do a really hard thing. Are you ready? It's the act of choosing to believe because it's a choice that you have control over within your thoughts. I'm asking you to choose to believe that everyone else is doing the best that they can with what they know, and what they're feeling. 

This is going to make your brain implode. I want you to think about the person in traffic, the coworker, the snarky friend, the kid, or the partner who is bothering you right now: bugging you, exhausting you, freaking you out. Just for a second, we're going to observe their brain because right now they're in a situation. They have stimuli and data points, information and scenarios, and facts that they are making responses to. The reason why they're responding in this way that is getting under your skin, is because of how they're feeling. It's their thoughts, it's their interpretation, it's their brain, it's their history, it's their experience that is pulling up those reference points, for them to interpret all of those data points, to interpret all of that fact and all of that situation. Their brain is doing the best that it can to help them stay safe, stay alive, and maintain their status quo. 

So you may be thinking of a person in traffic who was cutting in and out, driving so fast, and making you nuts. Their brain is doing that because it is somehow safer for them, or more intrinsically rewarding for them, and rewards equal safety for them to behave in that manner. Now, you and I have lived enough years to know that cutting in and out of traffic rarely gets you further ahead. You and I have different thoughts about that same data, and it doesn't feel as rewarding because we've lived through it. We've seen traffic play out, and we're not urgently trying to get somewhere. Their brain and their life are pulling up that option as the best choice to make for them to avoid pain, get that reward, seek pleasure, and stay alive.

Now, let's bring it a little bit closer to home. What about the person in your life who may be agitating you, or who may have really hurt you, or the person who may feel and be some kind of a threat to you politically, professionally, or emotionally? Just for this moment, we're going to imagine that it's possible that they are doing the best that they can with what they know, how they feel, and how they want to avoid feeling.

This is important to forgiveness work. You know that you're ready to forgive someone. When you're done feeling angry, resentful, and disappointed… That's what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is a decision of, “I’m done with those emotions.” Because you're done, and when you're done, you can release that negative emotional state. You are allowing your thoughts, that energy, all of that beautiful mental capacity that you carry around every day. You're allowing those resources to be redirected and refocused instead of focusing on the risk, the harm, and the hurt. 

I recognize that I am saying this to you in a clear, clean, and beautiful linear pathway. So in the real world, in your real life, your real body, and your real experience, if there is forgiveness work that you might be ready to do… If you are really tired of carrying that emotional weight of resentment, hurt, and anger, and you are ready to explore forgiveness, this is what I want you to do. I want you to do that hard consideration. See if you can get to the place that gets you slightly more neutral. As you think about this person, is it possible that, just from a biological perspective, their brain is doing the best it can do based on what they know, based on their experiences? Because the answer is likely going to be yes.

The next thing that I want you to do is to ask yourself if feeling anger, resentment, and hurt is showing you something. Maybe you're still feeling this way because there's a lesson to learn. Maybe you're still feeling this way because there is richness in that experience that you're ready to unearth and take forward as a lesson learned, as something that you can make decisions on next time, or share with someone else who might need to know it. The next thing that I want you to do when you're ready, once you're slightly more neutral, you've done that work. I want you to consider if and how you want to be with, around, or interact with that other person.

I'm going to do two examples here. The person that's not really part of your life, like the traffic person, the PTA person, the friend that's not really a friend, the relative you don't have to see but twice a year, how do you want to interact with them? Neutrally, happily, joyfully, silly? Do you want to stay distant and remote, or do you want to just not have to think about them at all? These are all options that are available to you. You might be thinking, “no, no, no, I have to see the person,” but do you? Do you have to respond? Can you opt-out? Is there a boundary that, if you established it, would create that peace, that flexibility? 

Now for the people in your life that you don't have that automatic distance with: what about the people in your family, or the people in your work that you do see that you have some commitment to? It may feel more like an obligation, but I'm going to call it a commitment here. The people that you have a commitment to be around, who you don't want to be around anymore, how do you want to interact with them? Let's say you're ready for forgiveness. You're there with me. We're tracking. You get to have a choice about how you treat them, how you show up with them and if, when, and how you interact with them. And that may not seem true. Maybe you’re like, “Tarah, my arm is twisted. It's all or nothing. I have to see them, or the world implodes, or this breaks down, or I fail.” Okay, let's look at the fact of that situation. Let's define how you want to look back on your success, and then we'll make a plan for that, and only that. Everything else is optional, but you are the one in charge. You have this choice. You get to choose how and if you forgive, and you get to choose how and if you interact with them going forward.

I want you to choose things and ways and reasons that feel really good and feel like they're in alignment with who you want to be more of, the future you want to create, the peace of mind you want to feel. There's absolutely a path from where you are right now to that future version of yourself. This is a lot of what I can help you with in our coaching program. 

If any of this has struck a nerve, and you're at all curious, I am here for you. You are welcome to reach out. Let's unpack this scenario. Let's get on a Enrollment Call. I'm going to ask you questions about how you see yourself now, what's really going on, all the nitty gritty, all the data. Then I'm going to ask you questions about where you want to be next and what that means to you, how you see yourself getting from point A to point B. Then I’ll provide you with an overview of the mindset, the framework, the emotional work, and the tactical work that's going to need to happen in order to get you there. And what I can help you do is simplify everything in-between. If you are interested in that, the links are on this website, tarahkeech.com. Click “enroll now” in the upper right corner to book your Enrollment Call. I hope you have a wonderful rest of whatever day this is, and I look forward to talking with you and being with you on the next blog post. Cheers!