How to authentically hold space when someone else is in pain
Do you crave authenticity? In the way others show up. In the way you wish you could be who you really are or know who you really are. Who you're meant to be.
Being authentic means you wholly embody yourself. You know you can survive your feelings. And you're willing to do that in order to create connections, serve, and show up.
This is applied coaching in the form of a love note because you - being wholly, authentically you - is you living your purpose. And it's what we all need a little bit more of. ❤️
_________________________________
All you need to know in order to be authentic:
Be human. Allow your humanness. Allow others' humanness. Hold space for them. Hold space for their human pain.
Pain
Being with people who are in pain can be hard.
Why? Because of what we make their pain mean about us, and that is the pain we'd rather avoid.
Here's what you need to know about pain
In past roles I've been a hospice volunteer, and end of life caregiver for both grandmothers, a research project manager for end of life caregiver support and end of life patient decision making, a suicide line volunteer, a domestic violence crisis counselor. Now I'm a mom and a coach. Here's what I know for sure: Pain is human.
Pain is not limited by modality.
It can be emotional, physical, psychological, spiritual, existential: one, some, or all at once.
Pain comes at the point of transition.
Including injustice, breaking points, relationship endings, exclusion, insecurity, job loss, sickness, death, and the pains of progress, fear, unknowns, imposter syndrome.
Growth and loss are points of change. Change is uncertain and full of risk.
You cannot, do not, and will not ever know anyone else's pain.
I hear you formulating counterpoint arguments on this one.
You are the only one who is capable of thinking your thoughts and feeling the experience of your feelings. Therefore, you are the only one who feels the pain that you imagine others are feeling. You can share thoughts and words and touch with others but the interpretation is entirely, solely up to each of us.
Where are my empaths at? Empathy is thinking about how someone else is feeling and imagining their experience. Empath, you are more skilled at reading the subtext, the microexpressions, and the nuances of others' behaviors. With those extra data points as clues, you assemble meaning.... but it's meaning you are creating.
Pain is survivable.
All the pain. Really. Sadness, grief, hurt, deceit, guilt, abandonment, regret, resentment.
Feelings are all survivable. You and I both know this because you've survived some pretty dark depths of emotion and yet here you are.
"How?!" Because feelings are tools and tools are here to help us.
How does someone else's pain help me?
Your pain at witnessing someone else's pain is because you imagine how it would feel if it were your pain (empathy), or you feel distress and uncertainty about how to be with them or help them or love them, which is the definition of "holding space."
The definition of "holding space" = Being able to allow someone else's feelings while you physically, mentally, and emotionally support them.
Authentic connections cannot be faked. Your empathy is telling you that there is an opportunity to show up authentically.
Moments pass. There's no going back. This pain is giving you a flag that there is a moment of real, vulnerable humanness. Be in this moment with them, human to human.
Typical ways to behave around people in pain
Here are some automatic thoughts that can come up when you perceive someone in pain:
I'll just make it awkward
I don't want to embarrass them
I don't know what to say or do
They don't need me in their business
I don't want to make it worse.
When you think thoughts like that, how do you feel? Awkward. Sad. Panic. Helpless. Embarrassed. Ill-equipped.
When you feel that way, how do you act? Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. Or, make it awkward.
What result does that create? Nothing. Or more awkwardness.
Instead...
What do you really want? To be human with them. To connect. To support. To encourage. To help. To be authentic.
PERMISSION GRANTED
Helping and holding space can be small. As long as you're doing it in a way that represents what you want for reasons that matter to you.
"You're a human. I'm a human. I'm here."
Here are a few simple ideas of ways you can reach out and things you can say to support, connect, and hold space for them:
"Hi"
"Thinking of you"
Give sincere encouragement and gratitude: "In case you haven't heard it lately, I really appreciate you."
"How are you?"
"I love you"
"How can I help?"
Listen and hold your opinions and advice. If you have an urge to say something, share back what you've heard, "That lay off came out of the blue and you're still processing it." "Her passing was sudden and you really wish you could have been there."
Offer specifics: "I'd love to order meal delivery for you, what night is best?" "I'd like to hear how you're doing, can we catch up tonight?" "Can I watch the kids for you Thursday?"
Send a card.
Send a meme.
Do you have any other suggestions?
Please reply and share: What's the best way someone's held space for you?
Recap
Learning how to hold space, and leaning into the discomfort of being and living authentically can be a stretch but it is the richness and reward of a life well lived and a purpose fulfilled.
Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting.
No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally.
Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.
She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.
And to connect with Tarah directly, complete this form.
