Managing the Assholes You Work With, For and Those You Lead
Get Ready
For the next few weeks we're going to talk about a$$holes. Those you work with, those you work for, and those you lead.
This week, let's level set on what an a$$hole is.
Go ahead and giggle, it's supposed to be funny.
Asshole (noun) = someone who is detestable, annoying, contemptible, or mean.
The a$$holes in your life are the people who:
Are constantly a pain to deal with
Require more of your attention, energy, and time because of how they behave
Could choose to behave differently but don't
Because of this, they present a risk (directly or indirectly) to your performance, reputation, and success
You know you're dealing with an a$$hole when...
You feel triggered by the way they speak, think, and act
You cannot understand the way they choose to behave
You've tried everything short of making a full-blown scene but still can't seem to get through
There is no accounting for how they have made it so far in life - It's literally mind-boggling
So you've got one. What do you do with them?
When it comes to working with a$$holes, there are different dynamics to consider depending on how you are matrixed to or hierarchically aligned to them - the approach to use to respond to a boss vs. someone you manage vs. a colleague are very different.
Next week we will focus on those who are at your same level. To get ready, this week I want you to look around and pay attention to the a$$holes you workWITH.
Homework
Between now and next week, pick one a$$hole in your life who you work with -this can be a peer, a vendor, a "frienemy," a networking connection, or a family member even.
What do they do that's the most detestable, annoying, contemptible, or mean?
What do you think about them? Really. Even the ugly thoughts. Put them down on paper. If you're worried they might read it, don't use names.
See you here next week for more about how to work WITH the a$$sholes in your life!
'Til then, cheers!
Week 1: The Assholes You Work With
This is week 1 of 3 where you'll be getting all the best practices for dealing with the a$$holes in your life.
You know this: Leading is hard.
You're very rarely at the tippity-top. Even if you're a C-suite top dog, you've got board members and clients you're accountable to.
All leading is done from somewhere from the middle.
This makes it even trickier for you to know how to manage up, down, and sideways with all of the different people and relationships in your life.
This is why in my Leader's Coaching Mentorship program I coach leaders just like you on how to become coaches in their work - so you can approach every dynamic, every challenge, and every challenging person in your life with coaching skills and a clean mindset so you can create the impact you want regardless of the variables in play.
If you want to learn more, there's a link at the bottom.
In the meantime, here's what you came for:
How to Deal With The A$$holes You Work With
Recap from last week:
Assholes are a drain. They suck the life and energy out of you - not to mention the extra time, money, and work their snark and counterproductive swirl can cost you.
Your tool kit for dealing with them depends on what role they play in your life.
When You're Asshole-Adjacent
This week, let’s think about an a-hole you work with: a peer, a vendor, a "frienemy," a networking connection, or a family member even.
The Fundamentals
For this series, there are some fundamentals you need in order to successfully deal with the assholes in your life.
Know what you want. Answer these questions:
You know this situation is painful but what is it that you really want instead?
If you had a magic wand, what would you change?
If they were out of your life completely or behaving better, how would your life and work be better?
What relief would you get?
What impact would that have on your performance? Satisfaction?
Feelings are clues. You’re wired to feel because your emotions let you know when and what actions you need to take.
Your brain and emotions want you to live your best life. Interpreting those signals so that you’re getting the most out of them can take practice. Observe. Name. Be curious. Be kind.
What is your feeling of frustration and anger trying to tell you? It may be showing you that it’s time to define and honor a boundary line or that it’s time to reflect and level up your mindset.
Now, onto the asshole at hand.
The menu of available actions you have at your disposal to deal with this a-hole are determined by your relationship dynamic - especially at work.
Here’s how to deal with the asshole you work with:
When you’re a peer with someone - you don’t have carrots and you don’t have sticks to incentivize or motivate them.
You’ve done the fundamentals. Now, here are your next steps.
STEP 1
"Do I need a boundary?"
How to know if you are ready to draw a line.
A boundary = Something you want that you’re willing to take action for.
Does what you want matter enough that you’re willing to consider taking action?
Where is your line? If you do take action and still don’t see progress, what are your plans? Is it an HR escalation? Is it a request to be transferred?
If yes, continue to step 2.
If you’re not willing to take an action or the risk outweighs the benefit, then it’s time to look at your mindset and the automatic thoughts that are coming up. Skip to step 4.
STEP 2
Boundary drawing time.
You know what you want.
You like your reasons.
You’re ready to do something about it.
Strategize with intel.
"What does the asshole want?"
This is the soft-science of interpersonal relationships.
Know this - assholes (along with every other human ever) act the way they do because it serves them in some way.
Evolutionary psych 101: Humans want to climb the pyramid of survival. We have to have the basics of survival (food, water, shelter, sleep, safety) and then we progressively want: belonging, community, respect, self-esteem, freedom, and to be the best we can be.
Understanding which of their needs are being met through their poor behavior, is intel that will help you formulate your approach.
There are two approaches and you can use either or both:
Positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement.
For instance: If they are talking down to you and you think it’s because they (consciously or unconsciously) perceive it as a way for them to establish a political edge or boost their own fragile sense of self-esteem…
Here are a few examples:
Positive reinforcement: Show them a change will produce a positive result.
If you want to build rapport and establish your equal footing, start by acknowledging what you do respect (about them, their work, their role, or the fact that they’re a human being) and then connect the dots for them on how what you want supports what they want.
“I know your reputation matters to you and see the pride you take in the work you do. When you say things like ['quote'], it sounds like you don’t value or respect me and my work. But because I respect you and what you think, if you have constructive feedback, share it with me directly. I’ll do the same for you. I know we can work through it because we both want to help this get done well.“
Negative reinforcement: Show them a change will avoid a negative result.
If you’re ready to be direct, show them how their behavior is out of line and tell them how their behavior is a risk to what they want.
“You value how you’re perceived and I know you want to succeed. When you talk down to me and others it’s counterproductive which puts your success - and all of our success - at risk. Also, it makes you look petty and not like the leader I know you want to be.”
STEP 3
Honor your boundary. Follow-through with your decision. This will be uncomfortable. This is where nerves, self-doubt, second-guessing, gaslighting, and fear come in.
This is also where the payoff is. You used your higher mind, your critical functioning and executive decision making to plan in Step 1.
Do your future self a solid and take action for all of those reasons that matter.
STEP 4
Whether you draw the boundary line or not, you wanna like your reasons for whatever you choose because doing things for reasons you don’t like is how you get burnt out. This is thought work.
Why does what you want matter?
Is it because you’re moving toward something you want?
Or are you running away from something you’re afraid of because there’s something you’d rather avoid? Like guilt, or shame, or embarrassment.
Look back at your reasons. When you read them, do those reasons make you feel more positive or negative emotions?
Mindset. Emotional friction comes when we have competing values, beliefs and thoughts.
You may have outgrown old thought patterns or your past ambitions may no longer be serving you.
For example, when you have a sense of scarcity or “not-enough” of something (time, money, energy, love, worthiness, good-enough-ness, etc.) whatever you do will always feel crappy. And - #spoileralert - regardless of what you do, when you take action because you’re feeling scarcity nothing you do will ever feel like enough.
These are great moments.
Feeling this friction is not a bad thing. It usually means that what you want has changed - your ambition has evolved - you’re gaining more clarity - you know more and want more or different things. It’s normal! It’s a function of being human! It’s allowed! It’s healthy! It’s growth!
When you’re triggered by an asshole, your brain, body, and emotions are letting you know that you’re ready to grow.
You're ready to evolve so you can live your best life.
That’s some next level shizz. Isn’t it beautiful!?
Hard? Yes.
Uncomfortable? Yes.
Glorious? Yes.
Stay tuned. Next week - we talk about the A-holes above you. Those are tricky dynamics for sure. Follow along to get yourself well-positioned to handle whatever they send your way.
Skip to the bottom? I got you covered.
Ready to be a better leader?
The Leader's Coaching Mentorship teaches you the game-changing coaching skills you're ready for to make leading less of a goat rodeo and much, much more fulfilling.
It's where you'll learn how to lead, thrive, and deliver. Yes, simultaneously. Simply and with joy.
Week 2: The Assholes You Work For
You know you’re working for one when…
They’re impeding or distracting you from your goals and success
The things they do and say make you want to crawl out of your skin and, or cry
Nothing you do seems like enough, even if you do what they say they want
Their behavior is not predictable or not understandable
You don’t know what else to do
Recapping the fundamentals of managing an a-hole
Fundamentally, managing the a$$holes you report up to requires two steps:
Know what you want.
Use your feelings as cues and clues. Cues that you’re ready for something to shift. Clues as to what you want, what needs to shift, how to do it.
They’re the boss
Emotions are tools that your brain and body use to help you know how to navigate life successfully.
Your survival and thriving are the gold stars that your brain is striving for.
When something is a threat to your survival, you feel fear or panic. Modern day survival defense responses can be triggered when your livelihood, reputation, status are threatened or at risk.
So if your boss triggers you in these ways, here’s what your feelings are trying to tell you:
Anger it means that you’re feeling threatened and in a moderately hulked out defense mode. (This is the fight-emotion from the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn threat responses.)
Annoyed it means that you’ve been repeatedly, consistently irritated.
Burnt out it means that you’re physically, mentally, and/or emotionally exhausted.
Frustrated it means that you’re being prevented from succeeding or progressing.
Insufficient it means that you think you’re undeserving or like you haven’t earned it, that your value is not adequate, or that you’re an imposter.
Resentment it means that your expectations and, or boundaries are not being met. You want your boss to treat you or others a certain way and they’re not measuring up.
Shame it means that you’re embarrassed and think you’ve been acting in a way that you or your boss thinks is not good enough or not right.
Stuck it means that you feel like there are not any viable or desirable options, like you're trapped, and it may be to the point where you don’t even know what you want.
Why it bothers you
“I hate them! So, why am I feeling these feelings?“
In short - You feel this way because you care.
You care about the work you’re doing.
You care about your clients.
You care about your team.
You care about your potential, your reputation and your success.
It’s uncomfortable because you matter. You may not always remember that you matter and some days it may be hard to remember that you’re worthy of respect. It’s ok that those thoughts happen - you have a human brain.
Here’s what’s important to focus on next:
Get a piece of paper and make some notes.
Pay attention. When you’re feeling these reactions write down what are the literal data points of that situation? In that moment, make a list of the FACTS of the circumstance you’re in - facts only. What exact words were said, what specific action was taken. Only list absolutely provable things. If there’s even a chance that you and your boss might see it differently, it doesn’t make the list.
Be curious. Now, when you look at that list of data, the cold-hard facts of the situation:
... What does it mean to you? This is where I want you to put your opinions, your conclusions, and your thoughts.
... What does that situation make you think about yourself?
... What do your boss’s words or actions mean about you? Your capabilities? Your value? Your future?Practice kindness. When you first see your thoughts put down on paper, it’s normal to want to chastise yourself or jump straight into problem solving.
It’s not kind when you make yourself feel bad about feeling bad.
You’re also missing the clues your emotions are trying to show you which is not kindness either. Imagine telling your best friend to shut up when they’re talking about a hard day. You wouldn’t belittle them - don’t do it to yourself.
I say “practice” kindness because it takes rehearsal to get good at it. The more you choose to be intentionally kind, the more consistent you become and the easier it gets. The benefits of kindness keep on going: Practice kindness - To yourself first, then to others.
POINTER: When the word “should” creeps in - it’s usually a pretty good clue that it’s “kind time”:
“I should be grateful, others have it worse.”
“I should just suck it up, buttercup.”
“I should just try harder.”
“I should be better.”
Now you’re ready
You’ve done the first steps. You’re seeing the whole playing field now. You’ve stepped out of the reactive state and now you’re ready and able to clearly create a strategy for what to do.
Your next step is boundary work or thought work. (For a refresher on what that can look like in detail, see week #1 below.)
Boundary work
Is there a line to draw? A line to honor? To what extent? And then plan for it. And then do it. And then continue to honor it. Make sure you like your reasons why you’re honoring the boundary.
Thought work
This can be:
Getting your confidence ready to stand up for your boundary
Finding the clarity about what you want and what boundary you can honor to help you get there
Forgiveness of your own mistakes and releasing the expectations you hold for others
Self-worth and respect for yourself as a human with value
Self-efficacy to know that you are capable of doing hard things and that your reasons matter
Self-integrity to show up for yourself and keep the promises you make to yourself
This is not an inborn skill or gift
These are things we are not born knowing how to do.
It can feel really lonely, kind of scary, and hard to know what to do, when to do it, how to do it when you’re face to face with an a-hole bully.
This is one of the major ways coaching is such a super power secret weapon. Having someone outside of your workplace, outside of your friends and family who GETS it and who can help you think strategically about what you really want, and how best to get it is INVALUABLE.
This is what you get in my program The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. There are on-demand lessons that teach you the amazing frameworks for how you can be a coach in your own role leading up, down, and sideways AND you get my brain to coach you and help you see where your pitfalls are, discover what you do want, and strategize to get you there.
Coaching + Training = You making the progress, difference, and impact you want in the world.
First step? Book a discovery consult call and learn more about The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship by clicking >> here.
Next week: Same BatTime, Same BatPlace!
Next week we are going to talk about leading and being responsible for an a-hole.
It’s rarely as simple or easy as you may want it to be. We’re going to dive into the best practices for managing down with the “difficult” people on your team.
With love, joy, and gratitude,
Tarah Keech, MA
The Leader's Coaching Mentorship | Tarah Keech Coaching
So you can lead, thrive and deliver
Email: tarah@tarahkeech.com
The A$$holes you manage
Dearly beloved, We are gathered here today, to talk about the a-holes you’re responsible for managing.
This is the final week of our three part series on Managing the A-holes that you work with, for and those you lead.
Today, we’re going to dive into the best practices for managing the “difficult” people on your team to help raise up their behavior / attitude / performance so you can, in turn, get the work they’re being paid to do done.
This is a core component of exactly what we do together in the Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. If you want to learn more about that, there’s info here and at the bottom.
You know you’ve got one on your team when:
Others complain about them
It may be a dent in your reputation to have them on your team
They’re resistant or impertinent to direction, correction, or consequences
You dread your one-on-ones
They’re not fireable - but dang, you wish they were!
You’ve tried - really, you’ve tried - and you’re at your wits
Managing them has made you question whether you’re even in the right job/role/company
Stop swirling. Clear up your thoughts.
Your Thoughts About You
You gotta like your reasons for why you’re doing what you’re doing.
Why are you doing what you’re doing?
Why are you doing THIS job?
Why do you like the work your company’s doing?
Why is this work important?
Do you like those reasons?
Your Thoughts About Them
What about them bothers you? It’s not enough of an answer to say “I just hate everything about them.” :)
Think about how you describe them to other people. Now, are there other people, situations, past examples when the same or similar things have been done to you?
Where in your life do you feel like you may be behaving similarly?
Once when I was getting in the car at our local recycling center, I was climbing back up into the truck and right where I grabbed the armrest was a bee. I squashed him but not before he had a chance to sting me! I may have teared up. I may have said some regrettable things in the presence of my children.
It hurt.
But, being a grownup, we kept running errands, swollen hand and all. It was there, in the Costco checkout line when my husband, Brian, lovingly reached over to touch my hand and show me a deal on pretzels I screamed, caused a minor scene, and swatted him away. Didn’t he know I was hurt? How could he forget! He hurt me!
But not really. It wasn’t him. It was the bee. And if you take it one step back down the cause and effect ladder - I didn’t look where I was putting my hand. Brian was not responsible for me being hurt. He just happened to touch my wound.
Sometimes it’s easier to swat and be mad at the person who touches the bee sting than to be mad at the bee who stung us (or ourselves for sitting on the bee in the first place).
When you’re upset at someone, it’s worth examining - is the pain coming from them or are they just bringing up a sore spot that was already there.
Remove any chance of ambiguity
The clearer you are about what you want and why you want it, the better others are to succeed.
Let me say that again -
You being clear and focused in your thoughts, wants, and intentions helps others succeed.
Ask yourself these questions
What do you want?
Why do you want it?
Why are they the right person to help?
What impact / cost / pain is it causing your team, clients (others) when they act like an ass?
What are the specific changes you need?
What do you see as possible for them? Why do you want that? What good will it do you? What good will it do your clients and team? What good will it do them? Be specific.
What EXACTLY do you need them to do? How will you know when they’re doing it well? Define your success proof points.
If they do not do these things, what are the consequences you’re willing to stand by? What are your real options?
Is it worth it to make an investment to help them succeed?
Your answers here become your boundaries.
As a reminder from our first part of this series:
A boundary = Something you want that you’re willing to take action for.
If you like your reasons, and you are willing to take action, the last piece of the puzzle is answering “How?”
Once you know your boundaries, then take action.
Based on your answers, you get to decide on your menu of options. Some may include:
Quit
Fire them
Run away
Talk with them 1:1
Talk with HR and then them
Write it down and email it
Call out bad behavior the next time you see it
[Fill in the blank with what makes the most sense for you, what you want, and do it only if you’re doing it for reasons that are aligned to values you love.]
If you THRIVE in strategy and LOVE this kind of stuff
This what we do in The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. You learn how to be a certified Leader-Coach and you get personal, private coaching and focused hands-on support while you’re doing it.
“I totally underestimated how life-changing it would be to have someone outside to help me navigate all of this.”
“My team has literally noticed that I’m coaching them better - like, commenting that ‘I don’t know what’s changed but I really like this new you.’”
Management can feel lonely. It doesn’t have to be. Get coaching, learn coaching, be a better leader and while you’re at it - thrive.
The payoff is in every area of your life.
“I’m so much more clear and even my husband noticed. And that’s really saying something! He had no idea but it’s paying off big time.”
“I didn’t realize how much I was carrying around those things and that they were like, showing up in how others were seeing me too. I’m just feeling more confident. It’s nice.”
Even when you’re really good at your job, this is the science and application of best practice that will keep you sharp, keep you evolving, keep you leveling up.
“I’ve been doing this stuff for years but didn’t know the science and reasoning behind it. But now, I see these [opportunities] and it’s like I’m able to really take advantage of them. And to see it land - man, that feels really good!”
Applications are open if you want to learn more and apply to The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. It’s a unique program where you’ll become a certified Leader-Coach and you get 6 months of personal leadership coaching for $2,000.
The price is going up in September.
